I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
