I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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