My underwear smells like fireworks.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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