If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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