I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
