I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
