His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Even my vagina gasped.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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