I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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