you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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