the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
