If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
