I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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