Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
