It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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