Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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