I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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