Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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