Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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