she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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