Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
