I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
