My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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