I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
