why didn't you poke me back
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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