One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
