New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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