mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
