also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
