How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
