she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
