K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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