$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
