I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
