DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
