oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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