the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
