Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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