I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
