i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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