i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
