You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
