I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I've blown a few things in my day
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
