Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
