i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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