dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
