you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
