Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
