I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
