you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
