I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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