i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
