Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
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i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
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Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG