I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars