please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
