I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
