She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us