i can't believe i had my finger in that
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
21 Guys Share Their Insane Stripper Stories
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
27 Reasons Why Men Need To Moan More During Sex
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.